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(Dave's only been in the control room twice, he claims. ••• "Late Show Intern Profile": Alan Kalter introduces us to new intern James Madejski, a dramatic writing major at SUNY-Purchase, who stands expressionless onstage. She's 40 years old now, expecting another baby Bettany, and looking great. She won a Critics Choice Award, a Golden Globe and an Oscar for A Beautiful Mind, but you knew that. ••• Time out: Tony Mendez has walked over to Barbara Gaines' command module. This episode is getting crazier by the minute, and we're just getting warmed up. As of January 1st, cab drivers must charge you a reduced fare if you choose to ride in the trunk. " ••• future Emmy-winning desk chat: Dave produces a shiny new three-foot-long gavel. It brings to mind the giant doorknob from Late Night, May 1983. Based on the size of my four-inch Late Show mugs, I'd say this is a 10-incher. / Dave lets Seth demolish the giant microphone, then Eddie Brill delivers it to an audience lady. Seth has a laugh that's more annoying than Fran Drescher's.) ••• more handiwork with the giant gavel: Dave says, "This is how we make a living!
We know that's not true, because he was in the Late Night control room every few days, pestering Hal Gurnee and Pete Fatovich.) ••• Top Ten New York Department of Sanitation Excuses / #3. He applied to 11 other late night talk shows, but we've got him! Hernia." (graphic and first voice-over): "We'll be back with more Oprah-Grams after this word from Lady Foot Locker™." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: 1. ••• "Insights and Analysis with Joe Grossman" / Oh, boy, here we go again. After exactly one sentence related to current events, Joe segues into a commercial for utz® Sourdough Pretzel Nuggets. Dave starts hollering over, trying to get his attention. ••• "John Boehner's First Day: A Look Back" / video: (title graphic and Freeplay music) (various clips of the Speaker, to match the narration) (voice-over): " PM: Wields giant gavel after becoming the new Speaker of the House." PM: At his celebration lunch, sits down to eat with a giant fork. We'll be right back, everybody." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and a plug for Tri-State Gavel Factory of Paramus, New Jersey ••• desk chat with Paul about Gallagher, who became famous for his Sledge-O-Matic. ••• full credits, with clips of the destruction at Dave's desk ••• (I can't wait to read the Wahoo Gazette for this episode.
Anyway, her accountant told her she had all the money, so she started the network. With no page numbers, how do you know you're done with the book? Dave says, "And today, I saw my parakeet reading the obituaries in the bottom of his cage. " ••• Birds are falling out of the sky in England, too. Letterman," Tony finally replies, "I forgot a cue card upstairs." He's forgotten the Act 1 card, whatever that is. The CBSO gives us a musical interlude, and Dave gives us some Johnny Carson while we wait.
Before Oprah's shows, the staff all gather in the control and hold hands. ••• Jennifer Connelly plugs The Dilemma, a film by Opie Taylor. She's a stunning beauty, and she always has cool adventures (or mishaps) to tell us about. / Photoshop fun: There's one of 'em, legs up, on the hair of Amy Winehouse. Eddie Brill delivers dinner at 21 to an audience member. I was on the tour and got lost." (clip of stunned members of Congress) (Joe does his signature wrong-way exit.) (graphic): CNN logo ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Attention New York City tourists. ••• Top Ten Little-Known Facts About John Boehner ••• Out of commercial, Dave says, "I feel refreshed." A little big later, he says, "Half hour to get a banana." Apparently there was all kinds of spontaneous stuff going on between acts, and the CBSO must have put on a mini-concert. Dave gives a big shout-out to Bruce Kapler of the CBSO. Dave starts smashing stuff with the three-foot gavel: ••• Seth Rogen plugs The Green Hornet.
He comes out every night trying to make a great experience for the audience members, because they he'll have a great experience, too. Linda from Melbourne, Australia raised her hand to ask, "What is Dairy Queen? (Stay tuned for further developments.) ••• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Marrying a 110-Year-Old Man ••• after commercial: Dave has a box of Dilly Bars, and a delighted Linda from Australia gets one! / Dave lists four people who know what exactly they're doing in broadcasting: 1. / video: (clip): a Verizon Wireless store (voice-over): "Verizon Wireless is poised to offer Apple's popular i Phone™ in a blow to the i Phone's long-time exclusive carrier, at&t." (clip): an at&t store and i Phone (voice-over): "at&t's strategy going forward will be to focus on our long-time core business: telegraph service. " "I just wanted to drown out this crap," Gene replies. "You've got to remove the suspenders." Then the neck warmer hits the floor. ••• Charlie Sheen was rushed to a hospital in recent days. Martha Stewart will appear on Friday, which means her episode was taped yesterday. " (Alan): "I had a crazy weekend, Dave." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "Did you lose a black glove?
Ryan interviewed one female who might be some sort of celebrity. ••• Dave's advice for the new year: "But seriously to you kids out there, if you're thinking about how to improve yourselves for the coming year, be less of a douche bag." (Late Show aaoogah horn again) ••• Top Ten Signs Your 2011 Is Off to a Bad Start ••• Brian Williams comes in loaded with comedy.Still have our hands full cleaning up Charlie Sheen's hotel room. ••• desk chat: Dave gives a shout out to the Late Show's own Al Chez. It looks new, but Al has played it on the show before. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Want to ask Dave a question on Twitter? With lightning speed and accuracy, Dave sees through Joe's little scheme. PM: Entertains constituents with his hilarious melon-smashing antics." (clip of Gallagher, I assume, smashing a watermelon with a Sledge-O-Matic) (voice-over): "This has been 'John Boehner's First Day: A Look Back.' " (clip): House of Representatives chamber, with members reading aloud (clip of unknown Congressman): "I now yield to the gentleman from Michigan, Mr. It seems that his brother, Ron, took his act, calling it Gallagher Too. The behind-the-scenes activity must have been nuts!Go to the Late Show Twitter account, twitter.com/Late_Show and use the hashtag #ASKDAVE. Stay with us, Cyrus." ••• outside cam: an awesome shot of the Empire State Building ••• Shaquille O'Neal of the Celtics, who complains that Dave (almost) never calls him ••• Keri Hilson sings. 1/05/11 : Photoshop fun: We see a small, deceased blackbird on Donald Trump's nest of hair. ) (clips): bird carcasses (voice-over): "Scientists are puzzled by the thousands of dead blackbirds which fell to earth in a small Arkansas town.Dave thanks them for their thoughtfulness, and forks over the cash. So what you're trying to say is here you would like the money I won." (Joe): "Yes, please." (Dave forks over his jackpot. " ••• Rupert Jee's New York Jets beat the New England Patriots 28-21 yesterday, and will play the Steelers on January 23 for the AFC championship. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• It's more with Jack Hanna. " (Alan, dressed like King Tutankhamun): "Thank you, Dave. ••• After his latest incidents, Charlie Sheen is rehabbing at home, and there's a picture: Al Pacino in Scarface, with cocaine all over him ••• monologue: Late Show correspondent Bob Jenkins is in Cairo. " (Bob is now seen in front of the green screen, with chroma keying off.) (Bob): "No." (Dave): "OK, thanks, Bob. Bob, do you have any idea why I have my fingers in my ear? Dave and Paul care more about the needs of humanity than the Red Cross.
The two future inhabitants of Riker's Island ditch the shovels and scamper offstage. " (Joe): "I could have used the money." (Dave): "Uh huh." (Joe): "I'm getting married in a few months..." (Dave): "Uh huh." (Joe): "..unexpected expenses..." (Dave): "Right." (Joe): "..bike was stolen, and I had to buy a new one." (Dave): "Uh huh." (Joe): "My refrigerator died. The two gentlemen pause for a bit.) (Joe): "The bike actually cost 0." (Dave): "Get out! Just get..." (Joe, reliable as clockwork, attempts to exit the wrong way.) (Dave): "No, no, no, no, no. Dave wanted to show us the winning touchdown but couldn't get the rights, which leads us to this exciting animation, "NFL Highlight Simulation." It's just stick figures, but we get the general idea. Dave shouldn't have itemized with his fingers, because he realizes to his horror that he is presently giving The Finger to North America on this, the Tiffany Network.] Anyway, back to Dorothy. ••• Top Ten Ways to Pronounce Reince Priebus ••• interruption: We hear some fine harmonica music. He has little African Penguins (Jackass Penguins) from Southwest Africa. Next is a warthog from Africa, and finally we have a couple of gorgeous baby cheetahs. 1/18/11 : monologue: Dave's all excited about the new Trenta from Starbucks. " (Bob): "I have no idea." (Dave): "OK, thank you very much. Only seconds into the preshow audience visit, Dave can tell how the show will go. An audience lady up close was giving a horrified stare at the tie. Show 'em everything ya got, because Jay, it's Thursday, and it's time for "Jaywalking." (Dave): "You know, I'm sorry. We're just gettin' ready to do the Top Ten list here." (man, facing the camera): "Oh. " (CBSO): phony SNL theme song (Dave): "The president of Title Town, Vince Lombardi." ••• Top Ten Ways New York City Is Healthier Than Ever ••• desk chat: Dave's holding a Playbill.
He amuses himself by tossing most of them to lucky audience members. ••• monologue: Continuing from yesterday, Dave itemizes even more resolutions for 2011: ••• New York City had El Blizzardo Grande on Dec. The Sanitation Department will have the trash out in a couple of weeks.