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••• Paula Abdul's Live to Dance premiered tonight on CBS.
/ promo video: (clip of Paula) (voice-over): "Tuesday on CBS, Paula Abdul returns in Live to Dance. 1/06/11 : New York's just beginning to dig out of the garbage backlog from the Dec. / video: Two kids, all bundled up, are building a garbage man outside. ••• monologue: "And with so much garbage, the rats are crazy.
/ video: (clip): birds' bodies being collected (voice-over): "Due to recent tragic events, The Arkansas Bird Casket Company is currently back-ordered on blackbird-sized caskets..." (photos): various models of cute little caskets (voice-over): "..as The Imperial, The Executive and The Wings of Peace." (company logo) (voice-over): "The Arkansas Bird Casket Company: We're very sorry for your loss." (cutesy graphic) (first voice-over): "It's time for Oprah-Grams, featuring all the words you can make with the letters in Oprah Winfrey! " (ad graphic): "Creekwater Just 59¢" (voice-over): "Add a 16-ounce cup of creekwater for just 59 cents. Here's a blockbuster development: Dave turns the tables and suggests that he and Regis should hang sometime. Dave, Leno and Oprah were in the big Super Bowl ad in 2010.
Hurry down to Popeyes®, because when these dead birds are gone, they're gone! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Hannibal Buress (who was bumped on Dec. / video: When entering the Ed on 53rd St., he's approached by three yutes, as our cousin Vinny would call them. In 2011 we'll have a sequel, this time with Dave, Charlie Sheen and Hosni Mubarak! " ••• Charlie Sheen's Two and a Half Men is still popular, and other channels are looking at creating their own shows including characters with addiction problems.
Anyway, her accountant told her she had all the money, so she started the network. With no page numbers, how do you know you're done with the book? Dave says, "And today, I saw my parakeet reading the obituaries in the bottom of his cage. " ••• Birds are falling out of the sky in England, too. Letterman," Tony finally replies, "I forgot a cue card upstairs." He's forgotten the Act 1 card, whatever that is. The CBSO gives us a musical interlude, and Dave gives us some Johnny Carson while we wait.
Before Oprah's shows, the staff all gather in the control and hold hands. ••• Jennifer Connelly plugs The Dilemma, a film by Opie Taylor. She's a stunning beauty, and she always has cool adventures (or mishaps) to tell us about. / Photoshop fun: There's one of 'em, legs up, on the hair of Amy Winehouse. Eddie Brill delivers dinner at 21 to an audience member. I was on the tour and got lost." (clip of stunned members of Congress) (Joe does his signature wrong-way exit.) (graphic): CNN logo ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Attention New York City tourists. ••• Top Ten Little-Known Facts About John Boehner ••• Out of commercial, Dave says, "I feel refreshed." A little big later, he says, "Half hour to get a banana." Apparently there was all kinds of spontaneous stuff going on between acts, and the CBSO must have put on a mini-concert. Dave gives a big shout-out to Bruce Kapler of the CBSO. Dave starts smashing stuff with the three-foot gavel: ••• Seth Rogen plugs The Green Hornet.
••• with credits: photo of Ryan Seacrest ••• Alan Kalter says good night.
1/04/11 : monologue: Thousands of small, deceased black birds fell to the ground in Beebe, Arkansas around New Year's Day.
Dave once again is disciplined with the Late Show aaoogah horn for referring to Simon Cowell as a douche bag.
Her resolution was, "I'm going to try not to be a douche bag." (Dave receives the Late Show aaoogah horn for this quote.) And when that ball comes down... He wants to tell us about his most recent air travel, and the inspection of his person by a TSA employee.
They gave "Dave and The Twins" quite a good inspection, if you know what I mean.
Back in 2010, Harry Letterman got Sully, part Yellow Lab, part Satan. Please, if you know who this portrait belongs to, please call the Times-News. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Bill Cosby interview and stories from college ••• The Black Keys sing. And then a Warning Warning Watch Warning, and then a Watch Watch. ••• monologue: "More dead birds last night: the Oregon Ducks." (Auburn beat Oregon in the national championship football game.) ••• It's another of Tom De Lay's weeping buddies. Wait a second." (clip): Someone wipes a goofy-looking thing aside, and we hear the squeaky sound you hear when you're cleaning a window with Windex® and Bounty®, The Quicker Picker-Upper™. We now return you to Webster, already in progress." (voice-over): "Be sure to pick up a copy of A Shore Thing, the debut novel of everyone's favorite Jersey Shore cast member, Snooki." (clips of various staff members) (voice-over): "Use it to prop up a wobbly table. " When Dave finds something he likes, he goes with it. For example, he once bought 2,000,000 pairs of socks that he liked. All of a sudden, for the last three weeks Dave can't get it to stick to his face, so he appointed his assistant, Brenda, to call 'em today, and they claimed they're having nozzle trouble. ) ••• back to the TTL ••• Vince Vaughn plugs The Dilemma. She is awesome.) ••• Mike Wolfe and Frank Fritz plug the History Channel's American Pickers. 1/12/11 : interruption: Two warmly-dressed rascals wielding snow shovels approach Dave. ••• Dave has some colorful, elbow-length Vet-Pro™ gloves for handling some of the critters Jungle Jack Hanna is about to bring out. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Pauley Perrette plugs NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service. Sunshine, and gives us too much information about current medical procedures. Chris says of his daughters, "I'm very proud of both of them," then goes on to say, "I've gotta tell you, the first time that Abby was announced on SNL, I was so proud, but the... the proudest moment for me was when you announced her and she came out on this show." ••• The National sing. 2/02/11 : Photoshop fun: It's Mayor Bloomberg as a groundhog. I'm standing backstage in front of a green screen." (Dave): "Uh huh.
If no one claims it by September 1st, we will do something with it." ••• outside cam: an awesome helicopter shot from above a New York City bridge ••• Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi presents the Top Ten Reasons to Buy the New Snooki Book. I'd never heard of it, but they go around and buy junk that they turn around and sell as movie props, crap for interior designers, etc. At least they're not hoarders, who'll save their gum wrappers, pizza boxes, dead pets, etc. "We'll shovel your sidewalk for twenty bucks," the one with the more-ridiculous hat offers. Jack has a Zorilla (striped polecat), a little joey (kangaroo) and a Binturong (Malaysian bearcat that smells like popcorn, and can kill a cobra). ••• "Alan Kalter's Super Bowl Preview" / (Dave): "OK, Alan, take it away! ••• monologue: Charlie Sheen's home is known as Villa de Kilo. And, do you have any information on the latest developments at all, Bob?
We'll be back in April to pick up garbage from October through December. Then just put them with the rest of the trash to be thrown away." (photo): New York City seal (voice-over): "A message from New York City: The last unspoiled place." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave has some random thoughts about the big New Year's Eve celebration hosted by Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest (the universal prototype for male cheerleader).